Tuesday blues day

I ain’t talking about the music. The anxiety and depression is bad this morning. I had a few really good days and now I’m back to ground zero. At least that’s how it feels. I just want my heart to stop hurting. I don’t even care anymore why it hurts I just want it to stop hurting. I want to be happy and not have try so hard. I want my smiles not to be forced and my days filled with light. I want this for myself but most of all I want it for my kids…my husband. I told the Doctor I have a very noisy soul. I’m not sure if he understood what that meant or what it feels like. How can you describe that feeling to anyone who has not gone through it themselves?

The doctor asked me if I felt like I have different personalities. I guess I didn’t know what that meant. I said I have drastic mood changes but personalities? I still don’t know what that means really.

There’s a very snarky, sarcastic, direct, strong willed, dry sense of humored, take no prisoners side of me.

There’s a very hopeless, depressed, tired and emotional side of me.

Then there’s the very manic girl that feels like she can do anything and is playful and bouncy and funny and can get many things accomplished in one day.

Then there’s me?

……………and time goes on. It ticks away and can’t be wasted. Laundry to do, kitchen and bathrooms to clean, school work to help with, sporting events to attend…….with a smile.

Real or not real?


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